A technology company was preparing a marketing campaign for a new suite of software. They wanted to send a marketing e-mail to potential customers, who were opt-in members of a business networking group.
This example compares the original text that we received with a new version that we created. We have changed the company name and the product name.
What we were given
The original e-mail message was written by a highly technical person who focused on software features, not on business benefits.
The largest problems with the original e-mail message are:
- Unimportant technical detail is included.
- Dense text that is difficult to read.
- An attachment is included (this will irritate many recipients, and most people will not find it useful).
We are a Sheffield company and have developed new networking software
(CoNet) as the alternative to solutions offered by Microsoft vendors.
Initially targeted at the education sector, an SME version will be released
in approx 3 months (CoNet Biz). The software is developed on Redhat Linux, is
server based and runs Windows, Linux or Latest Mac O/S and applications on
desk top PCs. As well as standard features, CoNet Biz will also include a
host of special features to provide seamless networking, including CoStart,
which re-installs a crashed or corrupted PC in approx 5 minutes, by Switch
PC OFF/ON, type in key code, CoServe, (CD delivery accross network),
CoService (remote servicing of system over Internet by XYZ), CoView
(Admin overview and control of other PCs on network) and CoManage
(Management interface for registration of users and their access to
Internet, E mail, plus log-on record etc.)
The system is not based on cost per client user license (you buy the
software) and therefore offers approx 50% saving over other (MS) type
solutions. This, coupled simple installation, low cost server access and
updates by
XYZ, virtually no permanent on site technical support due to
CoService, CoStart and the extreme reliability of the server software, makes
CoNet a very attractive alternative to current networking systems (see
attached Data Sheet for Education version).
As we have not yet approached the Business Community with BZ, it would be
most valuable to receive members comments on their interest in such a system
and the need for any other features that they would find useful. It is
intended to arrange a demonstration to members in the near future, who will
receive a 10% discount on purchase of system, approx cost £4,000 supporting
up to 100PCs.
I look forward to your comments.
John Smith
Joint M.D.
Our revision
Our new text is clearer to read. In particular:
- Prerequisite information is shown first.
- Short paragraphs are separated by white space for easy reading.
- Bullets highlight each business benefit.
- Primary and secondary benefits are given as separate blocks of information.
- A link (instead of an attachment) lets people get more information.
- A clear call to action comes before the contact details.
If you have a network of computers, or if you are thinking of setting up a network, this email is for you.
XYZ has been providing networking software to the education sector for many years. Now we are bringing our expertise to the general business community. Our new networking software (CoNet Biz) will be released soon.
CoNet Biz brings these basic benefits to your business:
- 50% cost saving over typical Microsoft-based solutions.
- Works on Windows, Linux and Macintosh.
- Simple installation.
- Minimal maintenance requirement due to the extreme reliability of the server software.
- All the standard networking features such as firewall, child-guard, print server, file storage, intranet server and web cache.
In addition you can:
- Add more PCs to the network without purchasing more licences.
- Re-install a crashed or corrupted PC in approximately 5 minutes.
- Deliver content across the network from a single CD.
- Let XYZ remotely service your network over the Internet if ever there is a problem.
- Administer and control all PCs on the network from the network Server.
- Register users and control their access to the Internet and E-mail, view their log-on records and so on from the network Server.
For a full list of benefits and technical specifications, see www.example.com/conet.htm.
We are looking for a few businesses to act as reference sites for us. In exchange, we will give you the latest version of CoNet Biz (worth up to £4000 depending on the size of the network you require) along with free updates whenever we upgrade the software. To find out more about this offer, please contact John Smith at XYZ.
Phone: 0114 xxx xxxx
Email: john@example.com
Web: www.example.com
RSS feed